Round Up of Thoughts

Each day I pass guys while im out in "the world" and I picture myself trying to date them. I never quite works. The only guy who ever works in my head is the faceless one in my day dreams. And besides him, I picture Jay, a Jay that doesn't cheat or lie. So I stick to the day dream one. He's gotta be out there somewhere right ?

I'd have to change the title of my blog if he shows up anytime soon, lol.

I don't just want the looks, I want the connection, and no I don't think I'm being overly mooshy and romantic, what I'm talking about is having a best friend. Because lately, it'd be nice to have a guy be my friend and to want to hang out and to maybe, just maybe, think I'm pretty. In the last three days, I haven't felt pretty at all.

Awell, just spewing tonight. To be continued...

Peeved to the point of nausea.

Ok so this girl..spread rumors...said she slept with my boyfriend, said she gave him oral favors. Said they did al sorts of things, while he was dating me. Now me, I've got no proof. Fine, whatever, move forward.

I've tried, and I'm doing pretty well. As you've read, it's his birthday. She wished him a happy one "hun" told him she'd "see you soon". And unless I've missed something...She, and some of his friends, are under the impression he is returning to our campus, when in reality, he is not. He is being forced to remian in Long Island and go to community college, and to commute.

So why is it I am peeved to the point of nausea? I realize I still care, but really? I hoped it wasnt this much, that it wouldnt still affect me this way. I KNOW I should NOT have looked...I shouldve kept the distance that was there the last few weeks/months. But it's his birthday...I got drawn in slightly more than is good for me at this point. So now the plan is...too re-affirm my position of distance until he once again, randomly contacts me...randomly.

And also to tell myself I'm better than this whole thng, than all of the people involved. I did not drink myself to death and beyond, I do not, have not, and will not ever make up rumors for entertainment, nor will I ever, (I have never) cheated on someone, whether it be emotionally or physically or both.

I am better. I am hurt, I am damaged, But I am better. And I am healing. At this point though, it'd be nice to have an uplifting event, rather than hearing that a friend will be commuting, or that a nasty horrible person is returning to campus, or even that I am expected to be strong. I don't quite feel it at the moment. It will happen though, It will, it must. I hope sleep will usher it into my life.

I am tired of change. I am peeved. Sadness tonight. Blindness for tomorrow. I ask for help because tonight, I am hurt.