Humor Time...Can't touch this.

Small story to tell.

I have this friend. His name is Jim. (please forgive me jim, but I warned you) Jim likes to go out to bars and drink and hang out. Any normal 22 year old, good-looking, mechanically inclined man does. And this, my fellow readers and bloggers, is how his Saturday night went.

He was hanging out with a few old friends who wanted to change it up a bit and go to Albany for a drink or two. Jim, being agreeable decided this was a good idea. So they went to WaterWorks. Now when Jim went in to the bar, he almost immediatly felt out of place. There were men, and a few "women" around that didn't seem like Jim's normal crowd. It turned out, he was in a Gay Bar.

Now Jim is the straightest man I know. If ever presented with the choice to either enter this establishment, or to remain outside..he would've never went in of his own free will. He decided to man up and tell us this story Sunday morning and we all died laughing.

He was caught totally unaware and despite the Tranvestites, and manicured men he was surrounded by, he remained at the bar. Moments soon passed and he overheard something he will never forget. Now I can't quote the exact statement, because I wasn't there, but Jim overheard another of his fellow gender blatently announce that he would like to take Jim home and make him moan. (Insert laughter and/or moaning sound here)

If you knew Jim, this would be hilarious, down right hystercial.

So although this isn't about being a single girl..It is however about the things we sinlge people will do to have a good time and hang out with our friends. We will blindly walk beside them into a Gay bar and not question it or draw attention to ourselves for fear of wastinga night out on the town. We stick it our, and laugh it up the next day.

Here's to being single! ***

Round Up of Thoughts

Each day I pass guys while im out in "the world" and I picture myself trying to date them. I never quite works. The only guy who ever works in my head is the faceless one in my day dreams. And besides him, I picture Jay, a Jay that doesn't cheat or lie. So I stick to the day dream one. He's gotta be out there somewhere right ?

I'd have to change the title of my blog if he shows up anytime soon, lol.

I don't just want the looks, I want the connection, and no I don't think I'm being overly mooshy and romantic, what I'm talking about is having a best friend. Because lately, it'd be nice to have a guy be my friend and to want to hang out and to maybe, just maybe, think I'm pretty. In the last three days, I haven't felt pretty at all.

Awell, just spewing tonight. To be continued...

Peeved to the point of nausea.

Ok so this girl..spread rumors...said she slept with my boyfriend, said she gave him oral favors. Said they did al sorts of things, while he was dating me. Now me, I've got no proof. Fine, whatever, move forward.

I've tried, and I'm doing pretty well. As you've read, it's his birthday. She wished him a happy one "hun" told him she'd "see you soon". And unless I've missed something...She, and some of his friends, are under the impression he is returning to our campus, when in reality, he is not. He is being forced to remian in Long Island and go to community college, and to commute.

So why is it I am peeved to the point of nausea? I realize I still care, but really? I hoped it wasnt this much, that it wouldnt still affect me this way. I KNOW I should NOT have looked...I shouldve kept the distance that was there the last few weeks/months. But it's his birthday...I got drawn in slightly more than is good for me at this point. So now the plan is...too re-affirm my position of distance until he once again, randomly contacts me...randomly.

And also to tell myself I'm better than this whole thng, than all of the people involved. I did not drink myself to death and beyond, I do not, have not, and will not ever make up rumors for entertainment, nor will I ever, (I have never) cheated on someone, whether it be emotionally or physically or both.

I am better. I am hurt, I am damaged, But I am better. And I am healing. At this point though, it'd be nice to have an uplifting event, rather than hearing that a friend will be commuting, or that a nasty horrible person is returning to campus, or even that I am expected to be strong. I don't quite feel it at the moment. It will happen though, It will, it must. I hope sleep will usher it into my life.

I am tired of change. I am peeved. Sadness tonight. Blindness for tomorrow. I ask for help because tonight, I am hurt.

Daily

Do plans ever work out?

I plan to be detached, my body likes to react to every feeling. My heart races, I turn red, breath fast etc...Definately not detached.

I plan a day of work, but accomplish almost nothing and then go to the fair. Way to work right.

I planned to go to the local park and recreation for the overlook, and guess what, that I actually did. Wanna know why? Because it was his birthday..and my present to him was a picture of the view. He loves good views, not to mention we had alot of fun last year on his birthday. I was wonderful.

It figures...I plan for myself and half-ass it, I plan for him and I complete the task. Atleast I got to see a nice view on a hot muggy day before I'm off to college in two weeks. Half for him, half for me. Atleast he said thank you. But thats about all he said. I actually was awake at midnight and was the first person to wish him a happy 20th. Got me far didnt it?

Sometimes I miss him, who he used to be, and others I dont, because now I know who he is. So Jay, live up to your age and make the best of life. From a friend to a friend, who will always love you, whether or not it's right.

Irony and Dreams

Of course after a breakup there is emtional damage, and in some cases, baggage. I have taken all of mine and warped it into a few different, new past times and lessons learned. But, once in a while a few pieces of them wriggle back onto my personal subconcious computer screen to interupt my processing, however minor the disturbance.

Last night was one of those times. I was sleeping peacfully, dreaming in the same way, although the dream was not a nightmare, it was not welcomed. Of course I didn't cush my concious into ridding my mind of it, so I rode the ride and finished out the dream.

My ex boyfriend Jay and I were together for nearly a year before things not only fell apart, but shattered completely. On the bright side, there were many happy times, to counter act the bad ones. In my unwelcomed dream I was going to a port town of sunshine and beaches with well dressed officers and a history to boot. I was in the family car, with the family, and Jay was following behind, way behind, in his old car, the same car we used to ride in. He had some trouble entering the hotel we were staying at and my father had to help him to get in by vauging for his age. Odd i know..but it is after all, a dream. So he gets to where I am, and we kiss and hug upon meeting. Throughout the dream we meet up with friends and family and we have a small BBQ/party, where I download music and play with multiple new and old MP3 players of mine, odd right, and not to mention all of them have tangled cords, and through out the duration of this time, Jay is no where around in my dream. But I;m happy just to know he is mine. I woke up feeling conflicted, not overly bothered by the whole event. But questioning the reason behind it. Perhaps it is because his birthday is tomorrow, perhaps another reason. I'm not sure.

But, despite this, I still have learned my lessons and made an effort to change my surroundings. I do miss him, but it is not...good for me to dwell on it. I plan to wish him a happy birthday, even though he may not deserve all I give of myself still to this day. But it's my way.

The whole situation is ironic and, well, to say the least, crazy. But it's my life and I keep living it. I take the dreams with the lack of dreams, and I just keep living. The best to him. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JASON. I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT 20TH BIRTHDAY...WITH LOVE, AMANDA

Meant to Be or Not to Be?

I fell asleep thinking about something I have thought about, randomly, for years now. I realize I'm a bit unique...but does that really mean I have to be so, detachable. I'm not detached, thats nt what I mean, but I can look back on my past and see that all my best friends, weren't and won't always be my best friends. I hope some of them will though.. My parents, mostly my mom, have told me that you don't REALLY find your true friends until later in life, at this point my mom is 46 and I really hope she is wrong. Not because I dont want to find friends, but because I hope to find them sooner rather than later.

As for relationships...I'd really enjoy finding that one person who matches me like the symetrical side of an ink blot, lol so to say. But I can't seem to find a guy that just...goes with the flow, that takes me for me and doesn't criticize. My third boyfriend was the closest to that, but timing and personality won out and stuff changed. I am sick of change in this area of my life. Can't it just be simple for once?

My mother and father married at 20 and 22. My older sister moved into her newly built home with her boyfriend of nearly a decade, allittle over 6 months ago. They met when she was seventeen. Now tell me why I couldn't have gotten that lucky. Maybe, just maybe, it's because I'm stuck in a small/annoying/god forsaken town where all the people, well most are scumbags I dont like and the rest are annoying and dramatic. Usually I dont like them either. I can put up with them, but I only like a handful of people here. The man I'm meant to be with...so far...isnt in this town.

If you stay tuned...I will. Go with the flow. Right?

Threw For A Loop

Ok. So today while cleaning my room and getting dresed in what I consider weekend clothes..I saw my cell screen light up, which automatically means I have a message coming through. After a few seconds I realize it's a picture message (they always take longer) so I wait a few more seconds for it to come through. I think to myself in this small amount of time, " Hahaha It'd be funny if it were from Jason..." Well big surprise...it is from Jason. Our relationship has now been over and done with for nearly 4 months, due to the fact that he can't focus on just one girl. Oh and he says I got clingy and overly emotional. Well wouldn't you if you knew the person you loved was doing stuff behind your back and then lying about it, that whole, "if you hang on too tight it'll slip through your fingers thing" rings very true here. Anyways, it's a picture of him saying that hes finally got his hair cut. I must say he does look good. I miss him. No, I don't.
At the end of our relationship he started to flirt with and engaged girl that was all too happy to flirt back. Well a few weeks ago he calls me to say her fiance' had found out and called him, and that he was threatened, lol. Not funny, I know, but it is because he called me looking for sympathy when this is the girl he dumped me for...he dumped me to have fun flirting. So to get back at the girl, he sends the naked picture of her..to her fiance'...(she sent the picture to jason to "flirt".) Now even til this day I can't fathom doing this if I were enganged. And to top it all off, her fiance' is a marine. Now she's not the first girl he's flirted with, there was a whole string of them that I saw, winessed, and tried to ignore..out of love. HA!
I dealt with about 9 months of his flirting and the rumors spread around campus about his sexual activities with someone, some people, rather than myself, wich he denies. In total there were about....hmm, lets think, about 5 girls. Now, having contacted my new roomate, I can't help think that she would've ended up on that god forsaken list of women he manages to bewitch. I can honestly say that the majority of my time with him was very pleasant, but that the bad times seem to leave the biggest impact. So I guess what i'm trying to say is that he threw me for a loop today, and all the other times he contacts me..and I have to remind myself to be a bitch...even though I'll always try to be his friend...After all his life, right now, sucks WAY more than mine does. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and he said he wanted the same. HA! But a person like me, (too nice) will hold out for a friendship forever. Although, now I've learned to stand up for myself and be a teeny bit more bitchy. It pays off. So for now, I'm good being alone, even though I can feel myself reaching the point where I just want to have a man care..even a little. But the point here..is that I don't NEED one.
This years a new start. Jason, so deservingly got himself forced into going to a community college in Long Island where he's living with his mom. Dug himself that hole. :) Though I do hope it's starts looking up for him. Honestly I do. if he had not flirted and slacked..he'd be with me, happy, and in school where he wants to be. But Karma is a bitch right?

Stay tuned...

I'd truly believe that a college education is unessesary when showing one's true potential. Here I sit on my bed watching a film that so closely reflects how I feel. I can write, there is no doubt in my mind that I can write better than my peers and as well as my elders. Why don't I? I do not write for a living solely because I would not put in the effort to take the nessesary classes and tutilage that it wold take for me to be seen as an accomplished writer with loads of potential. I could, in reality, do that with no futher education and stick with my current principals, and I know that with the further education I could perhaps have more experience and do better for myself for it. But what would I write? Here and now I can write of Love, heartache, loss and parts of life, though in time I could write of more. I admit fully that I have not the experience to write of children or lasting love, or even of employment beyond that of pocket money. But does that mean my potential is lost to the wind? I think not. It is only yet to unfurl its entire glory.

I just got done watching yet another chick flick where no matter what the heroine is faced with, she gets the guy...honestly, how many times has this happened to you? I must admit that I've had moments where I felt as though perhaps I had gotten close, only to turn around several months later to be, yet again, dissappointed. You think that after this had happened a few times I would notice a pattern, but no I did not. I'm not writing this because I want to tell specifics, but rather to connect a whole group of single women who have had horrible luck with men. Now I'm leaving out my age to avoid any stereotyping, but I've had my fair share of wrongs done to me. And I can't believe that I stuck around as long as I did. (Anyone want to quote a Daughtry song for me?) In the end, after the healing I now look back and wonder why I did certain things, and why I stuck around in the first place. This will be the first of many Blog entries showcasing my thoughts, trials, mistakes, and realizations in the world of men and in the discovery of myself as well as the power to be a woman who will never again, (or very rarely) be taken advantage of again.